Walter Flanagan: Woolen Cap Smoker, Egg Man, Offended Customer, Cat-Admiring Bitter Customer
Chewlies Gum Rep : You're spending what? Twenty, maybe thirty dollars a week on your cigarettes?
Angry Smoking Crowd : Yeah.
Woolen Cap Smoker : Forty.
Smoker #1 : Something like that.
Smoker #2 : Fifty-three.
Chewlies Gum Rep : Fifty-three dollars a week on cigarettes! Come on! Would you give somebody that much money each week to kill you? 'Cause that's what you're doing now, by paying for this so-called privilege to smoke.
Angry Smoking Crowd : Hey, man, we gotta croak sometime.
Chewlies Gum Rep : It's that kinda mentality that allows the cancer-producing industry to thrive. Course we're all gonna die some day. But do we have to pay for it? Do we have to actually throw hard-earned dollars down on the counter and say, "Please Mr. Merchant-of-Death, please, sell me something that'll stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs."
Dante Hicks : Now wait a second!
Chewlies Gum Rep : Yeah. Yeah, now here comes the speech about how he's just doing his job by following orders. Friends, let me tell you about another group of hate mongers that were just following orders.
Angry Smoking Crowd : Who's that?
Chewlies Gum Rep : They were called Nazis!
Woolen Cap Smoker : Nazis, that's right.
Angry Smoking Crowd : Fuckin' Nazi!
Chewlies Gum Rep : Yeah, and they practically wiped an entire nation of people off the Earth just like your cigarettes are doing now.
[Veronica sprays a crowd pelting Dante with cigarettes]
Veronica Loughran : Who's leading this mob?
Woolen Cap Smoker : [coughing] That guy.
Veronica Loughran : Freeze! Let's see some credentials. *Slowly*. You're a Chewley's Gum Representative? And you're stirring up all this anti-smoking sentiment to, what, sell more gum? GET OUT OF HERE! And you people, don't you have jobs to go to? Get out of here, go commute! You oughta be ashamed of yourselves. Bunch of easily-led automatons. Try thinking for yourselves before you pelt an innocent man with cigarettes!
Woolen Cap Smoker : [approaches the counter] Uhhhh... pack of cigarettes?
Dante Hicks : You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.
Randal Graves : [reading a magazine] You know how much money the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?
Dante Hicks : What's a jizz-mopper?
Randal Graves : He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booths after each guy jerks off.
Dante Hicks : Nudie booth?
Randal Graves : Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth?
Dante Hicks : Guess not.
Randal Graves : Oh man, it's great. You go into this booth and there's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks.
Dante Hicks : What kind of a show?
[Customer walks up to counter with a bottle of glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels]
Randal Graves : Think of the weirdest, craziest shit you'd like to see chicks do. I mean, these chicks do it all. They insert things into any opening on their body - *any* opening.
Dante Hicks : Can we not talk about this now?
Randal Graves : The jizz-mopper's job is to clean it up after each guy shoots a load, 'cause practically everybody does it right on the window. I don't know if you know this or not, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Offended Customer : I will never come to this place again!
Dante Hicks : Excuse me?
Offended Customer : Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!
Dante Hicks : Oh, I-I'm sorry, I-I guess we kinda got carried away.
Offended Customer : Well, I-I don't know if sorry can make up for it. You've highly offended me.
Randal Graves : Well, if you thinks that's offensive, check this out!
[Shows him graphic picture from porn mag]
Randal Graves : I think you can see her kidneys!