Jeff Anderson: Randal Graves
Indecisive Video Customer : They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good. Are either one of these any good? Sir?
Randal Graves : What?
Indecisive Video Customer : Are either one of these any good?
Randal Graves : I don't watch movies.
Indecisive Video Customer : Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal Graves : I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Indecisive Video Customer : You mean you haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal Graves : Nope.
Indecisive Video Customer : [turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two?
Randal Graves : Oh, they suck.
Indecisive Video Customer : These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal Graves : No, I wasn't.
Indecisive Video Customer : I don't think your manager would appreciate it if...
Randal Graves : I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Indecisive Video Customer : I beg your pardon?
Randal Graves : Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.
Indecisive Video Customer : I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying.
Randal Graves : And I hope it feels good.
Indecisive Video Customer : You hope *what* feels good?
Randal Graves : I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Indecisive Video Customer : Well, this is the last time I rent here.
Randal Graves : You'll be missed.
Indecisive Video Customer : Screw you!
Randal Graves : [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay : [outside; has no idea what's going on] Yeah!
Randal Graves : This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.
[Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter]
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom : Excuse me. But do you sell videotapes?
Randal Graves : Yeah, what're you looking for?
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom : "Happy Scrappy Hero Pup".
Randal Graves : Uh, one second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now; lemme make sure they got it.
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom : 'Kay.
Randal Graves : What's it called again?
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom : "Happy Scrappy Hero Pup".
'Happy-Scrappy' Kid : "Happy Scrappy"!
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom : She loves it.
Randal Graves : Obviously.
[into the phone]
Randal Graves : Uh, yeah, hi, this is RST Video calling. Customer #4352. I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking, Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rimjobbers", "My Cunt and Eight Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns 3", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum on Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum", "Girls Who Crave Cock", "Girls Who Crave Cunt", "Men Alone 2: The K-Y Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", oh yeah, and, uh, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock".
'Happy-Scrappy' Kid : "Scrappy"!
Randal Graves : Yup. Oh, wait a minute.
[to the woman]
Randal Graves : Uh, what was that called again?
Dante Hicks : You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal Graves : [suddenly outraged] Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go again trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today."
[throws stuff at Dante]
Randal Graves : You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here today. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulders. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can waltz in here and do our jobs. You... You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work in a shitty video store, badly as well.
Randal Graves : You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us... we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, God forbid... cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?
Randal Graves : Oh what, what's with you, man? You haven't said anything for like 20 minutes. What the hell's your problem?
Dante Hicks : This life.
Randal Graves : This life?
Dante Hicks : Why do I have this life?
Randal Graves : Have some chips, you'll feel better.
Dante Hicks : I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
Randal Graves : 37.
Blue Collar Man : Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but, uh, what are you talking about?
Randal Graves : The ending of "Return of the Jedi".
Dante Hicks : My friend here's trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.
Randal Graves : Embolism in a pool.
Dante Hicks : What an embarrassing way to die.
Randal Graves : That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
Dante Hicks : How did he die?
Randal Graves : He broke his neck.
Dante Hicks : That's embarrassing?
Randal Graves : He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick!
Randal Graves : My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.
Randal Graves : [talking about the second Death Star] A construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers.
Dante Hicks : Not just Imperials, is what you're getting at...
Randal Graves : Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.
Dante Hicks : All right, so even if independent contractors are working on the Death Star, why are you uneasy with its destruction?
Randal Graves : All those innocent contractors hired to do a job were killed - casualties of a war they had nothing to do with.
[notices Dante's confusion]
Randal Graves : All right, look-you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia - this is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.
Randal Graves : So, your argument is that title dictates behavior?
Dante Hicks : What?
Randal Graves : The reason you won't let me use your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?
Dante Hicks : Exactly.
Tabloid Reading Customer : I saw one, one time, that said, "The next week, the world is ending." And in the next week's paper, they said, "We were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a koala-fish mutant bird." Crazy shit.
Randal Graves : So, I'm no more responsible for my decisions here than, say, a Death Squad soldier in Bosnia?
Dante Hicks : Oh, now, that's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything.
Randal Graves : Yeah, not yet.
[takes a drink of water]
Tabloid Reading Customer : And I remember this one time-
[Randal spits water at him]
Tabloid Reading Customer : I'm going to break your fucking head! You fucking jerk-off!
Dante Hicks : Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He meant to hit me.
Tabloid Reading Customer : Yeah, well, he missed!
Dante Hicks : Yeah, I know. Here, let me refund your money, and we'll call it even, alright?
Tabloid Reading Customer : I'll never come in here again.
Tabloid Reading Customer : And if I see you again, I'm gonnna break your fucking head open!
[Randal salutes him as he leaves]
Dante Hicks : What the fuck'd you do that for?
Randal Graves : Two reasons. One, I hate it when people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
Dante Hicks : Oh, Jesus!
Randal Graves : And two, to prove a point. Title does not dictate behavior.
Dante Hicks : What?
Randal Graves : If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit water at that guy. But I did. So, my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Even though I work in a video store, I choose to go rent movies at Big Choice. Agreed?
Dante Hicks : [gives Randal his car keys] You are a danger to both the dead and the living.
Randal Graves : I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.
Dante Hicks : Please, get the hell outta here.
Randal Graves : You know I'm your hero.
Randal Graves : People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."
[on his past relationship with Caitlin]
Dante Hicks : She was supposed to meet Brad Michaelson in a dark bedroom. She picked the wrong one. She didn't even know I was at the party.
Randal Graves : Oh, my God.
Dante Hicks : Great story, huh?
Randal Graves : That girl was vile to you.
Dante Hicks : Interesting post script to that story - do you know who wound up in that dark bedroom with Brad?
Randal Graves : Your mother?
Dante Hicks : Alan Harris.
Randal Graves : Chess team Alan Harris?
Dante Hicks : The two moved to Idaho together after graduation. They raise sheep.
Randal Graves : That's frightening.
Dante Hicks : Takes different strokes to move the world.
Randal Graves : In light of this lurid tale, I don't even see how you can romanticize your relationship with Caitlin. She broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles.
Randal Graves : You know who I can do without? I can do without the people in the video store.
Dante Hicks : Which ones?
Randal Graves : All of them.
[a series of vignettes]
Bed Wetting Dad : What would you get for a six-year-old boy who chronically wets his bed?
Video Confusion Customer : So, do you have any new movies in?
[zoom out to see a huge sign that says "Brand New Movies" directly above her]
Low I.Q. Video Customer : Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie that was out last year?
Randal Graves : They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movies on the racks.
Low I.Q. Video Customer : OOOOH! NAVY SEALS!
Randal Graves : It's like in order to join, they have to have an I.Q. less than their shoe size.
Dante Hicks : You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the barrage of stupid questions I get.
Cold Coffee Lover : What do mean there's no ice? You mean I gotta drink this coffee hot?
Candy Confusion Customer : So how much is this thing anyway?
[zoom out to see a huge "99¢" sign behind her]
Hubcap Searching Customer : Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh, Mini-Trucker Magazine!
Randal Graves : Melodrama coming from you seems about as natural as an oral bowel movement.
Randal Graves : Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante Hicks : "Empire".
Randal Graves : Blasphemy.
Dante Hicks : "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.
Dante Hicks : It wasn't me.
Caitlin Bree : [scoffs] Yeah, right. What was it, then? Randal?
Dante Hicks : [to Randal] Was it you?
Randal Graves : I was up here the whole time.
Caitlin Bree : You two better quit it.
Dante Hicks : I'm serious.
Caitlin Bree : Oh, so, we didn't just have sex in the bathroom?
Dante Hicks : No.
Caitlin Bree : Stop it. This isn't funny.
Dante Hicks : I'm not fooling around. I just came in from outside.
Caitlin Bree : This isn't fucking funny, Dante!
Dante Hicks : I'm not kidding!
Dante Hicks : Who went back there?
Randal Graves : Nobody, I swear!
Caitlin Bree : I feel nauseous.
Dante Hicks : Are you sure there was someone back there?
Caitlin Bree : Well, I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus Christ! God, I'm gonna be sick!
Randal Graves : You just fucked a total stranger?
Dante Hicks : Shut the fuck up!
Caitlin Bree : I can't believe this.
Dante Hicks : Call the police!
Caitlin Bree : No, don't!
Randal Graves : Why?
Dante Hicks : Because there's a stranger in our bathroom and he just raped Caitlin!
Randal Graves : She said she did all the work.
Dante Hicks : Will you shut the fuck up! Who the fuck's in our bathroom?
Randal Graves : Duh duh... duh duh... duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh... Salsa shark! We're gonna need a bigger boat! Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa. Shark's in the salsa. Our shark.
Randal Graves : Hey, Caitlin's in the back. You might want to check on her. She's been back there a long time.
Dante Hicks : There're no lights back there!
Randal Graves : I told her that, she said she didn't need any. Why don't you go join her, make a little bathroom bam bam?
Dante Hicks : [sarcastic] I love your sexy talk. It's so kindergarten. "Poo poo". "Wee wee".
Randal Graves : [annoyed] Fuck you.
Dante Hicks : Hey, whatcha rent?
[reads the cover to Randal's videotape]
Dante Hicks : "Best of Both Worlds"?
Randal Graves : Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.
Dante Hicks : And you rented this?
Randal Graves : Hey, I like to expand my horizons.
Caitlin Bree : Can I use your bathroom?
Randal Graves : There's no lights back there.
Caitlin Bree : Why aren't there any lights?
Randal Graves : Well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night.
Caitlin Bree : You're kidding.
Randal Graves : Nobody can figure it out. The boss doesn't wanna pay the electrician to fix it, 'cause the electrician owes money to the video store.
Caitlin Bree : Such a sordid state of affairs.
Randal Graves : And I'm caught in the middle - torn between my loyalty for the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.
Caitlin Bree : Well, I'll try to manage.
Randal Graves : Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal.
Caitlin Bree : You are very protective of him, Randal. You always have been.
Randal Graves : Territoriality. He was mine first.
Caitlin Bree : Oh, that was so cute.
Dante Hicks : What time do you get to work today?
Randal Graves : I dunno. Like... ten, or ten after.
Dante Hicks : Wrong! You were over a half an hour late! And then all you do is come in here!
Randal Graves : Yeah, to talk to you.
Dante Hicks : Which means the video store is ostensibly closed.
Randal Graves : Oh, it's not like I'm miles away!
Dante Hicks : Unless you're out renting videos at other video stores!
Randal Graves : Hermaphrodites! I rented it so we could watch it together.
Randal Graves : What'd your mom say when you told her you weren't engaged anymore?
Caitlin Bree : She said not to come home until after graduation.
Randal Graves : Wow, you got thrown out for Dante?
Caitlin Bree : What can I say? He does weird things to me.
Randal Graves : Ooh, can I watch?
Caitlin Bree : You can hold me down.
Randal Graves : Can I join in?
Caitlin Bree : You might be let down. I'm not a hermaphrodite.
Randal Graves : Hey, few are.
[Randal tries to open the locked door to the video store]
Dental School Video Customer : Guy ain't here yet.
Randal Graves : You're kidding? It's almost 11:30.
Dental School Video Customer : I know. I've been here since eleven.
Randal Graves : Man, I hate it when I can't rent videos!
Dental School Video Customer : I would have went to Big Choice, but the tape I want is right there on that wall.
Randal Graves : Really, which one?
Dental School Video Customer : Dental School.
Randal Graves : You came for that, too? That's the movie I came for.
Dental School Video Customer : I have first dibs.
Randal Graves : Says who?
Dental School Video Customer : Says me. I've been here for a half an hour. I'd call that first dibs.
Randal Graves : It ain't going to happen, my friend. I'm getting that movie.
Dental School Video Customer : Like hell you are.
Randal Graves : I'll bet you 20 bucks you don't get to rent that tape.
Dental School Video Customer : 20 bucks?
Randal Graves : 20 bucks.
Dental School Video Customer : All right, asshole, you're on.
Randal Graves : Fine, just let me borrow your car.
Dante Hicks : Why should I loan you my car?
Randal Graves : I wanna rent a movie.
Dante Hicks : You wanna rent a movie?
Randal Graves : I wanna rent a movie!
Randal Graves : What's that for?
Dante Hicks : You work in a video store!
Randal Graves : I work in a shitty video store! I wanna go to a good video store so I can get a good movie!
Randal Graves : You're closed.
[tosses cloth open sign at Dante]
Sanford : Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade, alright?
Dante Hicks : If you grab a Gatorade, then everybody's gonna grab one.
Sanford : So?
Dante Hicks : So, who's gonna pay for these Gatorades?
Sanford : What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling motherfucker?
Dante Hicks : Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks.
Sanford : Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the fucking store to play hockey!
Randal Graves : He's blunt, but he's got a point.
Dante Hicks : Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here?
Sanford : No, all I'm sayin' is, if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink.
Randal Graves : He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade.
Sanford : Fuckin' A!
Dante Hicks : All right! Jesus! You fuckers are pushy!
Randal Graves : [after Dante finds out the boss is in Vermont] Jesus, that seems to be the late motif in your life - ever backing down.
Dante Hicks : I don't back down.
Randal Graves : You *always* back down! You come in on your day off, you assume responsibility that isn't yours - you buckle like a belt.
Dante Hicks : You know what the worst part is?
Randal Graves : The fact that I'm right about your buckling?
Dante Hicks : That I'm gonna miss the fucking *game*!
Randal Graves : Because you buckled.
Dante Hicks : Will you shut up with that shit, man. It ain't helping.
Randal Graves : Aw, don't yell at me, pal.
Dante Hicks : [apologetic] Sorry.
Randal Graves : See? There you go again.
Dante Hicks : You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.
Randal Graves : [reading a magazine] You know how much money the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?
Dante Hicks : What's a jizz-mopper?
Randal Graves : He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booths after each guy jerks off.
Dante Hicks : Nudie booth?
Randal Graves : Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth?
Dante Hicks : Guess not.
Randal Graves : Oh man, it's great. You go into this booth and there's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks.
Dante Hicks : What kind of a show?
[Customer walks up to counter with a bottle of glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels]
Randal Graves : Think of the weirdest, craziest shit you'd like to see chicks do. I mean, these chicks do it all. They insert things into any opening on their body - *any* opening.
Dante Hicks : Can we not talk about this now?
Randal Graves : The jizz-mopper's job is to clean it up after each guy shoots a load, 'cause practically everybody does it right on the window. I don't know if you know this or not, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Offended Customer : I will never come to this place again!
Dante Hicks : Excuse me?
Offended Customer : Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!
Dante Hicks : Oh, I-I'm sorry, I-I guess we kinda got carried away.
Offended Customer : Well, I-I don't know if sorry can make up for it. You've highly offended me.
Randal Graves : Well, if you thinks that's offensive, check this out!
[Shows him graphic picture from porn mag]
Randal Graves : I think you can see her kidneys!
Randal Graves : This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.
[a happy and satistifed looking Caitlin exits from the back room and walks toward the front of the store where Dante and Randal are and she looks confused to see Dante there]
Caitlin Bree : How did you get here so fast?
Dante Hicks : I left here like an hour ago.
Caitlin Bree : Do you always talk this weird after you violate a woman?
[both Dante and Randal look at each other confused]
Randal Graves : Maybe that Asian design major slipped her some opium.
Dante Hicks : Could be.